it still hurts, because well, hurt hurts.

i dont even want to think about what happened. i dont even know what to think about what happened. i do know, however that i never, ever want it to happen again. i had never been so petrified, so scared in my entire life, the screaming, the shaking, the breaking out into cold sweat, the feeling sick to my stomach. i thought it was over, but then i could never wrap my mind around that, its just something that can never happen, i dont know what id do with myself if it did, how i could live without, i couldnt. i thought i was dreaming, i had to be dreaming i told myself, i had leapt down too many stairs that it was impossible to be standing once i landed. i ran in there as fast as i could, i was panicing, i was unstable, we all were. if the situation called for it, i couldnt be strong for my family, i knew that, it just wouldnt be in me. i thought that first aid course i took a couple of weeks back would be pretty handy right about now, but i couldnt calm myself, or focus long enough to remember anything id learnt. i stood there like a mindless idiot, knees weak, legs trembling, puke beginning to crawl up my throat. i could barely talk, and I had to make the phone calls, why, i wouldnt have a clue, they didnt care, im a child but im not stupid, i could hear it in their voices, mocking almost, dull, nonchalant, uncaring, unconcerned; hah, i dont know what i was expecting, i guess we were all expecting something, expecting them to be apologetic, be concerned and worried, be more helpful, or at least suggestively helpful, but no we got nothing, nada, zero, zilch. yet again, you've disappointed me, us, hurt us. i dont even know anymore, what to think of you all, im so torn, i've grown up looking at you a certain way my whole life and you trashed that perspective in an instant, and i dont know when or if i will ever see you the same, or feel the same towards you again.. i wish this would all just go away, wish it really was all just some nightmare that my family and I would snap out of any minute, ya rab, i hope so..