grasping incredulity

this is torture, like tieing your tooth to a door and slamming it shut kind of torture, its frustrating, like tearing a new dress or spilling creme soda down your shirt. the waiting, the uncertainty, the loss of hope. i'm sick of this, sick of feeling like i've just been pushed into the centre of a road, blindfolded, in the middle of peak hour traffic. i dont want to rely on hope or chance, or luck, i want crystal clear, on the mark answers, expressed feelings; answers that sound almost factual, like they were reviewed by a hundred college professors ten times over. i dont even care about the outcome anymore, well thats a lie, but i'll be relieved either way, anything is better than this, i cant keep hanging around like this, dragged along like a worn out school bag, i want to know, i need to know and damn soon. its not fair that im left with these thoughts, festering, growing in my head, every single god damn day. i'm not going to allow this to procrastinate or be hauled along any longer, i'm confronting it and soon. apart of me already knows what im going to get out of this, what the answer is going to be and i know its not going to be what i want to hear but i need to hear it, so i can breathe it in and then straight back out again like the carbon dioxide it is.