we won that fight but lost that war.

this is too much, way too much. im not even upset about it anymore, i just feel numb, i've become so immune to this crap. guess it didnt come as a shock, i saw it coming, we all did. guess this really is it, our old life is over and chances are we'll never get it back again. we've lost everything, we fought and fought, battled it out as if our lives depended on it, because well i guess it did. nothing worked though, nothing helped, it was as if the more we climbed the higher it got and as the spot got smaller we only got bigger. there were so many attempts; failed attempts. i cant help but feel like karma has taken its shot at us, hah id like to hear someone say 'they're not on your level' now -.-. maybe this is for the better, who knows :S, ya rab. i only wish the timing was slightly more convenient - this had to all happen as im about to go into my mocks, my TEE. shit. we're basically out on our asses, how am i going to do this ? ah unoe its not really whats going to happen that bothers me, thats really gotten to me, its whats happening now, its what happened before. its how he feels, its how hard he worked, to keep us going, how hard they both worked. he knew he wouldnt be able to tackle Everest, but he tried anyway, he knew he had a fear of the water but that didnt stop him from jumping in to try and save us. unfortunately if you dont know how to swim, no matter how strong your desire to save someone you love is that doesnt change that fact and will probably result in both of you drowning.

success is a staircase, not a doorway.

"I missed more than 9,000 shots in my career.

I've lost almost 300 games.
26 times i have been trusted to take the

game winning shot and missed.
I failed over and over and over again in my life.
and that is why i succeed."

-Michael Jordan

gotta stay in and studystudystudy;

it is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important;

I did it, i got it, and i accepted it. I am settled, i am done, i am free. i feel good, content, at peace,.. finally some peace. this is good, i know it is. i need/ed this, it'll help - ill get there, inshallah. No more overthinking, no more depressed thoughts or epic day dreams that make me lose sight of where im going and what it is that im doing. i can finally breathe that long overdue sigh of relief and be done. Not saying this thing is going to be lemon squeezy, ill miss certain things sure, but its for the best and it'll get easier. i know this was dragged on and around in circles, but thankyou, iam still grateful for how it ended; maybe because i know its not the end, not really. Anyway all aside.. i've got one week till mocks and almost a month till TEE, its time to hit the books, close the curtains, lock the doors and throw away the key; its time for lockdown - study lockdown. praying i can get through my mocks and my TEE exams coming shortly inshallah and do the best i can.

wish me luck. :)

rainbow caakeee :)

omg i want to make this soo bad, looks so cool and hell yum. After i get through my exams inshallah, im going to make it, and it will be perfect :)

blah.

oh. well great, isnt this peachy, isnt this just kick you in the crotch, spit on your neck fantastic. now i cant sleep - im tired, so tired but i cant sleep which makes me angry, so angry. im trying to be patient, so god damn patient, but would you hurry up and take this scalding hot tray out of my hands - took it straight outta the oven with no gloves on you know and im dying here, seriously, cue the screaming BLOODY MURDER ! you know what stuff this im letting the tray fall.., hope u like eating your cake off the dirty kitchen floor. -.-'

Grey's Anatomy;

It doesn't matter how tough we are. Trauma always leaves a scar. It follows us home, it changes our lives. Trauma messes everybody up. But maybe that's the point. All the pain and the fear and the crap. Maybe going through all that is what keeps us moving forward. It's what pushes us. Maybe we have to get a little messed up. Before we can step up."

it still hurts, because well, hurt hurts.

i dont even want to think about what happened. i dont even know what to think about what happened. i do know, however that i never, ever want it to happen again. i had never been so petrified, so scared in my entire life, the screaming, the shaking, the breaking out into cold sweat, the feeling sick to my stomach. i thought it was over, but then i could never wrap my mind around that, its just something that can never happen, i dont know what id do with myself if it did, how i could live without, i couldnt. i thought i was dreaming, i had to be dreaming i told myself, i had leapt down too many stairs that it was impossible to be standing once i landed. i ran in there as fast as i could, i was panicing, i was unstable, we all were. if the situation called for it, i couldnt be strong for my family, i knew that, it just wouldnt be in me. i thought that first aid course i took a couple of weeks back would be pretty handy right about now, but i couldnt calm myself, or focus long enough to remember anything id learnt. i stood there like a mindless idiot, knees weak, legs trembling, puke beginning to crawl up my throat. i could barely talk, and I had to make the phone calls, why, i wouldnt have a clue, they didnt care, im a child but im not stupid, i could hear it in their voices, mocking almost, dull, nonchalant, uncaring, unconcerned; hah, i dont know what i was expecting, i guess we were all expecting something, expecting them to be apologetic, be concerned and worried, be more helpful, or at least suggestively helpful, but no we got nothing, nada, zero, zilch. yet again, you've disappointed me, us, hurt us. i dont even know anymore, what to think of you all, im so torn, i've grown up looking at you a certain way my whole life and you trashed that perspective in an instant, and i dont know when or if i will ever see you the same, or feel the same towards you again.. i wish this would all just go away, wish it really was all just some nightmare that my family and I would snap out of any minute, ya rab, i hope so..

so much for family

I love my family, but if its one thing they've taught me its that money is predominantly important, that if your own blood needs help or needs a break it is not essential that you give them what they need. Imagine you're given the chance to help someone in your family, make their life a little easier, solve a problem of theirs.. Imagine you had the means and the ability to help them and didn't, completely passed off the opportunity, completely left them to be fed to the sharks. This is the poor example my family has set for me, with the exception of my dad. No matter how busy he is, no matter how hard it is, or seemingly impossible, if he can help he will and if he thinks he can't he'll still try and if he fails, you best believe he'll come up with another way and he has. To hell with the example of everyone else, that is not how i'm going to treat my family or anyone i claim to love, not now or any time in the future. I will not abandon them when they need me most, i will not say no if i can say yes, i will follow the example of the only person i think, no, the only person i know is right - my dad. Remember that material things can be broken, worn out, money can be wasted, cut into pieces, you can have a lot or you can have a little, you can run out or you can get more, but at the end of the day what the hell does all of that mean if your loved ones aren't happy, if they've had to pay the price? And what will it mean when your laying stale in your grave? You cant take your fortune with you, that will mean nothing to God, will help you none on the day of judgment, but you can take your good deeds you committed in this life. We need to be more merciful towards others, help them if we can, when we can - how can we expect Allah (swt) to show mercy towards us on the day of judgement otherwise..? I don't get it, how can a stranger show more kindness than your own blood, how can a stranger be willing to help more than your own flesh, how can someone stand by and watch their son, their brother, their daughter or their sister, their grandchild or their cousin lose everything, how can someone sit back indulging themselves, not a care in the world, while their family hurts, while they're made to go through torture..how can anyone watch them beg for mercy and not do a damn thing to help ?! I really thought that when the going got tough, your family would not be the people who got going, who'd run away the second you were in trouble, and not even because they want to save themselves, no, that i would get, that i could understand, i would not blame you for that but we're not asking you to risk anything for us or go out of your way for us; we simply need your help, simple help, you could easily help and you know it, but you wont, you refuse to, but fine, thats okay, we dont need you because we will get out of this mess, you'll see, and it would have been without any help from you. Just dont think that your 'kindness' will ever be forgotten.

eid ul-fitr 2010♥

grasping incredulity

this is torture, like tieing your tooth to a door and slamming it shut kind of torture, its frustrating, like tearing a new dress or spilling creme soda down your shirt. the waiting, the uncertainty, the loss of hope. i'm sick of this, sick of feeling like i've just been pushed into the centre of a road, blindfolded, in the middle of peak hour traffic. i dont want to rely on hope or chance, or luck, i want crystal clear, on the mark answers, expressed feelings; answers that sound almost factual, like they were reviewed by a hundred college professors ten times over. i dont even care about the outcome anymore, well thats a lie, but i'll be relieved either way, anything is better than this, i cant keep hanging around like this, dragged along like a worn out school bag, i want to know, i need to know and damn soon. its not fair that im left with these thoughts, festering, growing in my head, every single god damn day. i'm not going to allow this to procrastinate or be hauled along any longer, i'm confronting it and soon. apart of me already knows what im going to get out of this, what the answer is going to be and i know its not going to be what i want to hear but i need to hear it, so i can breathe it in and then straight back out again like the carbon dioxide it is.

Props to whoever made this (Y)

Hadith on sadaqah;

"There is a (compulsory) sadaqah (charity) to be given for every joint of the human body (as a sign of gratitude to Allah) every day the sun rises. To judge justly between two persons is regarded as sadaqah; and to help a man concerning his riding animal, by helping him to mount it or by lifting his luggage on to it, is also regarded as sadaqah; and (saying) a good word is also sadaqah; and every step taken on one's way to offer the compulsory prayer (in the mosque) is also sadaqah; and to remove a harmful thing from the way is also sadaqah."

Day 12 - Dear person i hate/caused me a lot of pain

You. Its all your fault. I've never met you and for that you're lucky, I would seriously give you a mouthful - of spit. I dont know how a Muslim could do what you did, that's just it though, a real Muslim wouldn't, could never. You've shamed the title and Islam completely. I dont forgive you, I wont forgive you, and neither will most of the members of my family, and you know I have a big family. You caused us all so much pain, i had to watch each of my family members hearts break because of you. You are the only person in the entire world i wish bad upon, not bad, i shouldn't say that, i just hope you get what you deserve Inshallah. Enjoy your freedom while you can, enjoy this life while you can, because the way your going, I'd be damn afraid to die.

inception

"You're waiting for a train, a train that will take you far away. You know where you hope this train will take you, but you can't be sure. But it doesn't matter - because we'll be together." 

Finally..

ohmygodd. its confirmed, its booked, its soon, its about time. I finally get to see you, i finally get to recieve that long overdue hug, you know the ones where you usually slightly suffocate me. I cant wait, i just hope i'm able to compose myself, i hope i dont cry - i know i will, but i hope i dont, for your sake. Its crazy how i can refrain from crying about almost anything except when it comes to you, when it comes to this. Its going to be so hard to finally see you there, finally see you in that awful place; once i see you there i know it'll finally hit me, it'll finally seem real and that scares me, but i dont care, i want to see you, ive missed you so much. i want to give you a massive hug, i want to see you smile again, i want to make you smile again; I hope i do.

and this is why..

If something never started, you never have to worry about it ending. It has endless potential.
Sarah Dessen. - from 'The Truth About Forever'