road to nowhere..

it's late but here i am yet again laying on my bed eyes wide open with thoughts running around in circles. i am a little frustrated atm, i keep talking to people, people close to me, i listen to their problems, some petty and shallow, foolish even, others not so much. i'm not saying i haven't complained before or that i don't about things that, whenever i look back on end up seeming so insignificant. i know we are only human and are too often only concerned with our own feelings and our own well being but i can't for the life of me get how we can sit there wallowing in our own self pity for days on end and not try to do anything to change it. you might not be able to change a situation but you can change the way you think about it or at least the way you think in general and the way you carry yourself. i can be in the worse stress ever, feel dejected even but then i remember Allah swt and no matter what i am going through i still know and feel his presence. i can have no one in my life, but i know He will still be there. i thank Him everyday, for even letting me go through the tests i do because they make me who i am and us up as human beings. you can choose to embrace what you've been blessed with or let your difficulties blind you. just because you have bad days doesn't mean you have a bad life. always try to become the best you can be, on behalf of those who never got the opportunity. not everyone gets to be in your shoes, not everyone has a home with a family and food and a likeliness that they’ll be alive tomorrow.

everything happens for a reason, nothing happens by chance or by means of luck. illness, injury, love and sheer stupidity all occur to test our limits. without these small tests, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere. it would be safe and comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless.

i've been having a lot of One on One with God recently. i haven't cried during a prayer for a really, really long time and i had only ever done it a couple of times before. it wasn't because i was upset or anything though, it was because i couldn't believe that after everything i've been through and all the things i've done, here i was on my knees in sujood, because He's chosen to stay by me and guide me. i've been so blessed to be given everything i have and i feel like i can't repent enough to show Him how sorry i am to ever misuse the advantages i have or to ever unintentionally be ungrateful to Him for them.

i've realised i am at a point in my life where i need to start building myself, or "finding myself". i want these next couple of years to be me doing just that with Allah swt in my heart and mind guiding me the entire time. i don't want any type of person to affect my decisions for now or the future, not even the most beloved people to me.

the world is twice as big and beautiful as it is small and shallow and i want to get as much as i can out of it as possible, to experience all the good it has to offer as well as its bad (if Allah wills it for me i can only gain something from it inshallah). to take deep breaths of realization and acknowledge that i am here for a reason. i don't just get granted a righteous religion and so many blessings to just be a vegetable. i want to do something useful with my life, something good, something beneficial for not only myself but for those around me. i want to use the skills Allah has given me, utilise them and as cliche as it sounds,.. make a difference'.

i think too many of us underestimate ourselves and what we are capable of and that's the problem. everyone needs to realise how much they're worth. the only reason you'd be held back from making some kind of positive change is if you've been limited with certain disabilities, and that would be because Allah had made you that way, so you should still strive to be the best person you can be with what Allah has given you. i hope i can live up to just that iA.

*Ya Rab keep us all on the straight path and lead us to jannah, Ameen.*

sdfhkjsdeskhsdf

you read things and hear things and see things and it makes so much sense to you and you know it would make sense to others if they knew what you knew too but then you try to explain what you know and you try to talk it out but you stutter and trip on your words and end up making a total verbal mess without getting your point across.. yeh that's me sometimes,, i wish you could just wrap your thoughts up with a nice little bow and hand it to a person.

“And He gives you all that you ask for. But if you count the favors of Allah, never will you be able to number them. Verily, man is given up to injustice and ingratitude.” [Qur'an 14:34]

The very fact that we got up this morning, that we can offer the salah, that we had breakfast, that we have clothes to wear, water to bathe ourselves, that we have homes to shelter us from the elements, that we have our health, our families, etc, etc, etc, are all favors from Allah (swt). We should take non of it for granted, or become arrogant enough to believe that we attained any of it because of our own efforts alone."

Eating follows hunger, drinking follows thirst, sleep comes after restlessness, and health takes the place of sickness. The lost will find their way, the one in difficulty will find relief, and the day will follow the night."

relapse..

So just when I thought that nothing could possibly be worse than what was already happening something insane and massive, and completely outside the realm of probability comes out of nowhere, hitting me harder than a speeding truck. This is definitely not getting any better. As soon as I am on a high, something comes swooping making me fall down from grace, over and over again. I tell myself to get back up and smile, and as soon as I do something trips me over. I'm damaged, cut and bruised and yet I am still hopeful that this is going to get better. Inshallah it's going to get better, Allah swt will get us through this, I believe that.

I am sick to the back teeth of everything right now, and am quite honestly starting to really lose my faith in mankind. I am trying not to resent anyone, but with everything that's been disclosed, boy is it hard. I almost wish I could go back to the time where I walked along the edge of everything, not knowing about certain things and people; just being oblivious to the world that I live in and the people in it. On the other hand I know it was the best thing for us to be shown the truth, however rancid and incorrigible. I am still confident and content with the notion that everything happens for a reason. I know very well that all events that shall come to pass have already been written, Allah swt has pre-ordained everything and I believe as the Qur'an says: 'Verily with hardship, there is relief (Qur'an 94:6). To this day this has been my favourite hadith and I always try to keep it in mind when anything bad happens. The Prophet (pbuh) said: "Be mindful of Allah, you will find Him in front of you. Get to know Allah in prosperity (days of ease) and He will know you in adversity (days of distress). Know that what missed you could not have hit you; and what hit you could not have missed you. Know that victory comes with patience, relief follows distress, and ease follows hardship."

I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this.

out with the old and in with the new..

"Certainly, We shall test you with fear, hunger, loss of wealth, lives and fruits; but give glad tidings to the patient - those who, when afflicted with calamity say, "Truly to Allah we belong and to Him we shall return." It is those who will be awarded blessings and mercy from their Lord; and it is those who are the guided ones." [2:155-157]

This past year and the last have seen me through an aberration of events and emotions that have kept me on a perpetual rollercoaster for what has seemed like a lifetime but it's finally over - for now it is over. I can finally say i've turned over a new leaf and am starting with a clean slate. I am already feeling the pre-affects of Ramadan; i feel refreshed and happy, and very much relieved that for once i don't have a million things on my plate, for once i am handling the things being thrown at me with ease, with the realisation of and keeping in mind that my life could not be in better Hands than in those of the Almighty Creator Allah (swt). I am finally throwing out the unnecessary baggage that had been weighing me down for so long, making a good amount of room for what will hopefully only be the lily-white type from here on out. I've learnt bulk this past year, i've learnt that no matter how bad you have it you should always be thankful because someone is always worse off, that no matter how hard you hit rock bottom the only other way is up and that it's okay to fall sometimes so you know where it is that you stand.

On another note I honestly can't wait for Ramadan this year. Not only does this blessed month allow for endless opportunities for rewards but it is the perfect time to get rid of bad habbits and make room for the good ones. I'm pretty sure a lot more in my life is about to change and things might not always be smooth sailing either, i don't know what is to come or what to expect for the future but i am sure as hell not afraid to jump in that rabbit hole and find out. Bismillah*

happychappy :)

woke up this morning looking like i slept with a hanger in my mouth xD i feel goood, really good. my teaching prac was the shiz and i am now more than ever, convinced that this is what i want to do. my life is currently drama free, it's like everything had to hit its climax to gravitate back to normality. nevermind that it took a while, because things are better than ever now. i needed to withdraw myself from certain things, to retreat and re-collect myself, my thoughts..which turns out was exactly what the doc ordered. besides that i have let go of a lot,..its funny looking back on those days knowing now exactly what i was headed towards and what was headed towards me. but it's all good because now, even if i end up finding myself in those situations again that i seem to be prone to, they wont be anything i can't handle, if all thats happened has taught me anything, it's that.

Hamza Alkhateeb (13yrs of age)

Your name escaped me earlier, but your face has been haunting me for the past two days. I feel a kinship towards you because of our common humanity. I hurt for the cruel injustice committed against you, but also against your family. I imagine that the absence of your brilliant radiant light is felt deeply in their lives and that the void they now feel as a result will never ever be filled. I empathize with them so much, although I can never know or fathom what it was like to lose you, their child, in the horrific way that they did.. Finding out about your story, my tears are ones of rage because the wounds, the physical pain inflicted upon your body should have never happened to you, you didn't deserve it to happen to you, your family didn't deserve to know what happened to you.. to see it like they did.. I hope that like me though they find comfort in knowing that your soul is safe now and that your body can no longer feel any pain. I hope you are put up amongst those in the highest levels of jannah and that your family will join you there inshAllah.

I wish strength and resilience for your family to continue living and fighting in your memory..and please know that there are so many more fighting and that you are being thought of and won't ever be forgotton. Inallilahi wa ina illayhi rajioon.

illuminate*

i have realized quite a bit over the last few weeks, and believe i am seeing things clearer than ever now, everything to me is appearing in a different light than they were previously, and let me just say, when shed light upon, i have come to recognize that some things aren't quite what i thought they were, let alone as great as i may have built them up to be. sure I'm a little disappointed, but i think this might actually be a good thing. there was always this question that to myself i could never give a straight answer, but i can now, easily with no hesitations. i will no longer put myself in the position to be an easy target for hurt or anger or even jealousy. i will no longer be that safety net I've so conveniently always been. i am all for being there for the people i care about but there are limits. i will not make excuses up for people or situations anymore. i want, need, deserve reliable, people i can count on, people i can trust, trust not to hurt me. 'what if' will no longer be a questionmark in my life but a fullstop. i was never able to find a way to get over this wall, i think that was the problem all along, i tried to get over it. what i really need to do, what i am going to do is break through it. and though there may be pieces to pick up afterwards I've realized i don't need anyone to do that for me, i will do it on my own, in my own time, but i will pick up every last piece.

Checkmate.

here i am for the umpth time..confused again, in robot mode, again. what am i waiting for this time? there is nothing to wait for. i am waiting for n o t h i n g. i feel like ive invested so much in this, so much energy, so much everything. and im out, iam all out. i quit. i dont understand how i can possibly still be in this position, still be feeling.. its not the same but i am still feeling, and that is not good. this was suppose to be over long ago, i didnt want this anymore, or ever. i didnt want to hurt, but i am hurting, a hurt i am all too familiar with.. how i long for the old times.., now you give me no choice but to move forward. i kinda feel like im just floating around atm, knowing nothing but thinking everything. there are so many thoughts i want to let out but can't. i am going to be that person who will keep it hidden, because telling you has proven to hurt the both of us and i'd rather harbour the pain myself than have to share it and let it affect both of us. i am not doing that any more. especially starting next week. my mind is talking in circles and i am the only one that can hear it. and this is just the beginning, it's definitely not about to get any better. i feel like im playing a game of chess, i've made my first move and my opponent is already exclaiming 'Checkmate', then there it is, no way out. My King will fall.

Defeated. I hadn't a chance to begin with.

but things aren't ever black and white..

all i ever wanted to do was forget. but even when i thought i had, pieces had kept emerging, like bits of wood floating up to the surface that only hint at a shipwreck below. this isn't working, it never has, i dont know why i thought it would all of a sudden. i am only going in that same never ending circle i've been going in for the past well, almost a year now. i just feel as though there are so many unresolved issues, like that book was never really closed, or if it ever was, a bookmark had definately been placed somewhere so that we could always pick up from where we left off... sure i've gotten a little better at refraining from getting too attached to any certain idea, concept or person but it's not good enough. because nothing is ever that simple, everything must be complicated. why can't things be black and white once in a while, just plain&simple? i don't even know what it is that's happening at the moment, or what i'm feeling to be exact.. i don't know, i'm trying not to feel, because well that's never gotten me anywhere :S. however, the more i try not to feel and the more i try to make up excuses for what i am feeling, the more i can feel these supposed 'non-existent' feelings growing, festering, developing within me waiting for the time where i can't do anything but let it all out in one swift outburst. i don't like outbursts. but i can tell that is what is going to end up happening, i can already feel it building up inside, bubbling. just like a balloon with too much air in it, i might just end up popping. i'm so confused right now, i need help, i need someone to explain to me what's going on, to understand, to listen, to tell me what to do, because frankly at this present moment in time i have no blimin clue and am just going with the flow..taking the good when it comes and the bad the same way..that's all i can think to do at the moment. but i need to get things straightened out, i need the air to be cleared, the glass to be crystal..i need black and white.

i needs a HUG.

nothing prevents happiness like the memory of happiness.

i am grateful for so much at the moment, so why cant i bring myself to be genuinely happy, to move on and get on with my life, to leave these god forsaken memories behind and be happy? why cant these memories cease and leave me alone for one night, just one. its quite ironic that the memories which when i look back on identify as amazing, happy memories are keeping me from that very thing. happiness. am i building the past up too much? was it really that good? am i choosing not to bring to the surface any of the bad memories? surely there were bad ones?..its as if I'm looking at a night sky and only focusing on the stars. i need to get rid of this fantasy world I've so conveniently created in my mind based on those very memories..I'm not sure how though..i haven't been able to for so long..its felt like a forever and a lifetime and knowing my luck its probably not about to get any easier. however, maybe i can counter them with new memories? if i can make them?..i should certainly attempt to right?, this is becoming ridiculous, theres no use in trying to imagine what could have been..if only this and if only that..everything happens and happened for a reason, i need to let go of the past and grasp the future, wholeheartedly, once and for all. 2011 here i come..*