illuminate*

i have realized quite a bit over the last few weeks, and believe i am seeing things clearer than ever now, everything to me is appearing in a different light than they were previously, and let me just say, when shed light upon, i have come to recognize that some things aren't quite what i thought they were, let alone as great as i may have built them up to be. sure I'm a little disappointed, but i think this might actually be a good thing. there was always this question that to myself i could never give a straight answer, but i can now, easily with no hesitations. i will no longer put myself in the position to be an easy target for hurt or anger or even jealousy. i will no longer be that safety net I've so conveniently always been. i am all for being there for the people i care about but there are limits. i will not make excuses up for people or situations anymore. i want, need, deserve reliable, people i can count on, people i can trust, trust not to hurt me. 'what if' will no longer be a questionmark in my life but a fullstop. i was never able to find a way to get over this wall, i think that was the problem all along, i tried to get over it. what i really need to do, what i am going to do is break through it. and though there may be pieces to pick up afterwards I've realized i don't need anyone to do that for me, i will do it on my own, in my own time, but i will pick up every last piece.