Checkmate.

here i am for the umpth time..confused again, in robot mode, again. what am i waiting for this time? there is nothing to wait for. i am waiting for n o t h i n g. i feel like ive invested so much in this, so much energy, so much everything. and im out, iam all out. i quit. i dont understand how i can possibly still be in this position, still be feeling.. its not the same but i am still feeling, and that is not good. this was suppose to be over long ago, i didnt want this anymore, or ever. i didnt want to hurt, but i am hurting, a hurt i am all too familiar with.. how i long for the old times.., now you give me no choice but to move forward. i kinda feel like im just floating around atm, knowing nothing but thinking everything. there are so many thoughts i want to let out but can't. i am going to be that person who will keep it hidden, because telling you has proven to hurt the both of us and i'd rather harbour the pain myself than have to share it and let it affect both of us. i am not doing that any more. especially starting next week. my mind is talking in circles and i am the only one that can hear it. and this is just the beginning, it's definitely not about to get any better. i feel like im playing a game of chess, i've made my first move and my opponent is already exclaiming 'Checkmate', then there it is, no way out. My King will fall.

Defeated. I hadn't a chance to begin with.