Carpe`diem

You know that moment when you can finally tell you’re growing up? Yeah, I've been feeling that lately, and it's weird, but the good kind :). Everything is happening so fast, time is seriously flying by~. But I am so excited for what the future holds, if I get there InshAllah. I want to expand my horizons, there are so many things I want to do and accomplish, so much I have yet to learn, so many opportunities and moments I want to be able to grasp and seize. So many places I want to visit, so many people I want to help, meet, embrace, love. I want to be responsible for someone other than myself,.. for the people around me.

At this point in my life, I know what it is that I want, and I think too, what it is that I really need. Now it is just a matter of getting there and making things happen InshAllah. I feel like I've already experienced and seen so much, but I know the reality is I haven't seen or experienced anything yet, and I want to, I can't wait to. I am well aware that I may not have all of the time in the world but I want to do as much as I can with the time that I’m given. I am hopeful for the future, for what it has to offer me and hopefully, for what I have to offer it, it is all in Allah swt's Hands and I trust Him with every fiber of my being. "The pens have been lifted and the pages have dried". Bismillah* Ya Rab, allow me to have purpose in my endeavors, to move forward in ways that only please You. To have barakah put in the things that I do and get. For me to continue to want to grow, decide to grow, make an effort to grow and persist in growth, all towards becoming a better person and Muslim. To get the most out of what You have given me and to never stop learning and being grateful. And the same for all of my loved ones and the Muslim ummah around the world IA. Ameen*

The Bucket List :)

• Visit Palestine
• Go to a poverty struck country and help out in some way
• Go to Umrah
• Go to Hajj
• Sponsor a child
• Memorize a significant amount of the Qur’an, if not the whole Qur’an
• Be able to name all the surahs in the Qur’an
• Learn proper tajweed
• Get my driver’s license
• See snow
• Ride my bike in the country side
• Publish a book
• Be the best Muslim I can be
• Get married and have kids :)
• Learn Arabic fluently
• Visit Venice, Italy, and go on a gondola ride with someone
• Visit Turkey, and the Islamic museum there
• Learn something new daily
• Climb to the cave of Hira
• Help build a school and or hospital in a poverty struck country
• Touch, pet, possibly own a lion? Baby sit one?
• Hug a lion or a tiger, I’m not picky
• Do a marathon for a good cause like breast cancer or autism
• Ride an elephant
• Stand at the top of a mountain
• Go paintballing
• Go on a Nile cruise
• Go on a road trip with my best friend
• Sight the Eid moon
• Ride in a hot air balloon
• Be a successful teacher
• Get my masters in specializing with teaching people with special needs
• Spend a week with no cell phone or computer
• Endeavour to start everything with bismillah
• Go whale watching
• Successfully have a piggybank or whatever they’re called these days
• Play all of my favourite songs on the piano
• Stay awake to watch the sun rise and sun set in the same day with someone
• Do something really nice for several strangers and expect nothing in return
• Go camping
• Go hiking
• Learn to bake bread
• Make wudhu in the ocean, and salah on the shore (beach)
• Spend a night gazing at the stars on the beach
• Be successful in speaking out to kids
• Learn the meaning of my favourite surah
• Go fishing, then cut up and cook my own fish
• Go to a drive in movie, do they still have those?
• Have a small library in my home
• Shower in a waterfall
• Buy a homeless person a pair of shoes
• Donate blood
• Send a message in a bottle
• Get a kitten
• Leave an inspiring book on a bus or train for someone to read
• Run until I can’t breathe anymore
• Go fishing in the middle of the ocean
• Take a walk in the rain with someone
• Write a letter and hide it somewhere in another country for someone to read

Bismillah* I really, really want to commit to this list and try to do everything that's on it throughout my life inshAllah :)

Note* will be adding things on as I think of them.

your mistakes should be your motivation not your excuses.

I am feeling really really good atm, the calmest and most content I've felt in a very long time Alhamdullilah :). Things don't always have to be or seem perfect, just having the opportunity to live another day, take another breath of fresh air is more than enough for me. I feel more myself than ever, or more like I feel I'm on my way to becoming the person I want to be inshAllah. I've learnt so much these past couple of months especially, and I am so grateful. One thing I've learnt recently is that you should never let anyone tell you what makes you happy and what doesn't, what's good for you and what isn't, what's considered 'normal' and what's not. I've learnt that wrong is wrong even if everyone is doing it and right is right even if no one is doing it. I've learnt that you can't please humans, no matter how hard you try, most people will either dislike you for your success or for your stupidity. But Allah swt, He praises you and loves you more than anything when you're living your life pleasing him. Life isn't easy, it's true that it's probably always easier to say yes than no, it's easier to give in than hold back. But why would you want to be praised by people who are nothing more than flesh, when instead you can be praised by the One who created every single molecule? No more excuses inshAllah, I want Allah swt to be happy with me before anything or anyone else, I want Him to put Barakah in the things that I do and the things that I get, I don't want anything that comes from His wrath. They say "no pain, no gain" and yeah maybe it's difficult to refrain from or to avoid certain things but it'll save you soo much pain in the long run. We should all look at life with a positive attitude, not because you're trying to constantly look like a happy person but because you have been blessed to be alive, you were worthy enough to be created by Allah and He chose you to be apart of this righteous religion. Again, no matter how bad your life gets, it will always be better than someone else's, not only that but you were given opportunities that majority of the world wasn't given, count your blessings at night. The key to happiness isn't having everything you want, but being amongst nothingness and still appreciating it. Alhamdullilah truly, for everything.*

I am going to let this go, pretend to wrap up all of my pain, thoughts and feelings, tie it to a balloon and let it fly away~ Bismillah.. for the hundredth time I am going to let this go. I've finally learnt though that just because I let something go, doesn't mean I have to let it slide. There is a difference. I can forgive someone but that doesn't mean I can't express what bothered me in the first place before doing so, otherwise that particular person may not realize what they had done wrong and repeat it. Nevertheless it is always the right thing to forgive. If we can be so arrogant as to not show mercy on others then how can we expect Allah swt to have mercy on us on the day of judgment. Allah swt forgives us for everything; sins the size of pebbles to ones the size of mountains. So I can forgive this, I can forgive this. Ya Rab give me the strength and patience to always try and do the right thing*.

day and night, Syria. you're in my prayers.

i can’t keep watching videos of Syrians with their bodies blown up and completely mutilated. i physically can’t. and it sucks so much because.. just because i refuse to watch it, doesn't mean it isn't still happening, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. no matter how tightly i shut my eyes or refuse to click on those links…people are still getting their bodies blown up, and they’re dying and they’re children. i can’t for the life of me get how the world can stand idly by while these crimes against humanity are being carried out against our Syrian brothers and sisters, over and over and over again. the problem is the world isn’t seeing what’s happening in Syria; sure they hear about it, but they’re not encountering these situations firsthand (not that we really are), but they aren’t watching these videos either. in order to almost fully understand what’s going on in Syria, the world NEEDS to watch these videos! only then will they almost understand the true pain, suffering, oppression, injustice, violence, cruelty that is going on in Syria. only then will their emotions finally scream “We need to help them!” assad, just jump off a cliff already, die and go to hell! i feel pangs in my chest just thinking about them.., and i can't stop thinking, i can’t get the images of those children out of my head, no matter how hard i try. i can’t deal with having these nightmares anymore, i can’t deal with knowing the Syrian people are living that nightmare. i feel like their pain and suffering has become apart of my life now, like it's personal. i believe that's how it should be though, we as Muslims are supposed to be like one body, and when a part of the body hurts the whole body suffers along with it, the body cannot be at peace until that particular part of the body is ok again. i find myself getting so emotionally involved, so offended and angry when someone talks about the situation in Syria as 'not being that bad' or 'nothing to do with Assad or his government'.. you know what politics aside, what makes me so angry is that we're all arguing about who and what when instead..can't we just remember the dead? respect the martyrs of Syria. remember that tonight, a mother is missing her son. a wife, is sleeping in an empty bed. a father, is without a daughter. we're focusing and arguing about what countries are involved (like the US and Russia..) and what defines us and what threatens us, but we are not focusing on the blood flowing out of Homs. *Ya Rab protect Syria and protect us all. Ya Rab allow the bloodshed to end, comfort the people of Syria, permit them to attain their freedom and let tomorrow be a brighter day for them. Ameen.*

road to nowhere..

it's late but here i am yet again laying on my bed eyes wide open with thoughts running around in circles. i am a little frustrated atm, i keep talking to people, people close to me, i listen to their problems, some petty and shallow, foolish even, others not so much. i'm not saying i haven't complained before or that i don't about things that, whenever i look back on end up seeming so insignificant. i know we are only human and are too often only concerned with our own feelings and our own well being but i can't for the life of me get how we can sit there wallowing in our own self pity for days on end and not try to do anything to change it. you might not be able to change a situation but you can change the way you think about it or at least the way you think in general and the way you carry yourself. i can be in the worse stress ever, feel dejected even but then i remember Allah swt and no matter what i am going through i still know and feel his presence. i can have no one in my life, but i know He will still be there. i thank Him everyday, for even letting me go through the tests i do because they make me who i am and us up as human beings. you can choose to embrace what you've been blessed with or let your difficulties blind you. just because you have bad days doesn't mean you have a bad life. always try to become the best you can be, on behalf of those who never got the opportunity. not everyone gets to be in your shoes, not everyone has a home with a family and food and a likeliness that they’ll be alive tomorrow.

everything happens for a reason, nothing happens by chance or by means of luck. illness, injury, love and sheer stupidity all occur to test our limits. without these small tests, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere. it would be safe and comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless.

i've been having a lot of One on One with God recently. i haven't cried during a prayer for a really, really long time and i had only ever done it a couple of times before. it wasn't because i was upset or anything though, it was because i couldn't believe that after everything i've been through and all the things i've done, here i was on my knees in sujood, because He's chosen to stay by me and guide me. i've been so blessed to be given everything i have and i feel like i can't repent enough to show Him how sorry i am to ever misuse the advantages i have or to ever unintentionally be ungrateful to Him for them.

i've realised i am at a point in my life where i need to start building myself, or "finding myself". i want these next couple of years to be me doing just that with Allah swt in my heart and mind guiding me the entire time. i don't want any type of person to affect my decisions for now or the future, not even the most beloved people to me.

the world is twice as big and beautiful as it is small and shallow and i want to get as much as i can out of it as possible, to experience all the good it has to offer as well as its bad (if Allah wills it for me i can only gain something from it inshallah). to take deep breaths of realization and acknowledge that i am here for a reason. i don't just get granted a righteous religion and so many blessings to just be a vegetable. i want to do something useful with my life, something good, something beneficial for not only myself but for those around me. i want to use the skills Allah has given me, utilise them and as cliche as it sounds,.. make a difference'.

i think too many of us underestimate ourselves and what we are capable of and that's the problem. everyone needs to realise how much they're worth. the only reason you'd be held back from making some kind of positive change is if you've been limited with certain disabilities, and that would be because Allah had made you that way, so you should still strive to be the best person you can be with what Allah has given you. i hope i can live up to just that iA.

*Ya Rab keep us all on the straight path and lead us to jannah, Ameen.*

sdfhkjsdeskhsdf

you read things and hear things and see things and it makes so much sense to you and you know it would make sense to others if they knew what you knew too but then you try to explain what you know and you try to talk it out but you stutter and trip on your words and end up making a total verbal mess without getting your point across.. yeh that's me sometimes,, i wish you could just wrap your thoughts up with a nice little bow and hand it to a person.

“And He gives you all that you ask for. But if you count the favors of Allah, never will you be able to number them. Verily, man is given up to injustice and ingratitude.” [Qur'an 14:34]

The very fact that we got up this morning, that we can offer the salah, that we had breakfast, that we have clothes to wear, water to bathe ourselves, that we have homes to shelter us from the elements, that we have our health, our families, etc, etc, etc, are all favors from Allah (swt). We should take non of it for granted, or become arrogant enough to believe that we attained any of it because of our own efforts alone."

Eating follows hunger, drinking follows thirst, sleep comes after restlessness, and health takes the place of sickness. The lost will find their way, the one in difficulty will find relief, and the day will follow the night."

relapse..

So just when I thought that nothing could possibly be worse than what was already happening something insane and massive, and completely outside the realm of probability comes out of nowhere, hitting me harder than a speeding truck. This is definitely not getting any better. As soon as I am on a high, something comes swooping making me fall down from grace, over and over again. I tell myself to get back up and smile, and as soon as I do something trips me over. I'm damaged, cut and bruised and yet I am still hopeful that this is going to get better. Inshallah it's going to get better, Allah swt will get us through this, I believe that.

I am sick to the back teeth of everything right now, and am quite honestly starting to really lose my faith in mankind. I am trying not to resent anyone, but with everything that's been disclosed, boy is it hard. I almost wish I could go back to the time where I walked along the edge of everything, not knowing about certain things and people; just being oblivious to the world that I live in and the people in it. On the other hand I know it was the best thing for us to be shown the truth, however rancid and incorrigible. I am still confident and content with the notion that everything happens for a reason. I know very well that all events that shall come to pass have already been written, Allah swt has pre-ordained everything and I believe as the Qur'an says: 'Verily with hardship, there is relief (Qur'an 94:6). To this day this has been my favourite hadith and I always try to keep it in mind when anything bad happens. The Prophet (pbuh) said: "Be mindful of Allah, you will find Him in front of you. Get to know Allah in prosperity (days of ease) and He will know you in adversity (days of distress). Know that what missed you could not have hit you; and what hit you could not have missed you. Know that victory comes with patience, relief follows distress, and ease follows hardship."

I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this.

out with the old and in with the new..

"Certainly, We shall test you with fear, hunger, loss of wealth, lives and fruits; but give glad tidings to the patient - those who, when afflicted with calamity say, "Truly to Allah we belong and to Him we shall return." It is those who will be awarded blessings and mercy from their Lord; and it is those who are the guided ones." [2:155-157]

This past year and the last have seen me through an aberration of events and emotions that have kept me on a perpetual rollercoaster for what has seemed like a lifetime but it's finally over - for now it is over. I can finally say i've turned over a new leaf and am starting with a clean slate. I am already feeling the pre-affects of Ramadan; i feel refreshed and happy, and very much relieved that for once i don't have a million things on my plate, for once i am handling the things being thrown at me with ease, with the realisation of and keeping in mind that my life could not be in better Hands than in those of the Almighty Creator Allah (swt). I am finally throwing out the unnecessary baggage that had been weighing me down for so long, making a good amount of room for what will hopefully only be the lily-white type from here on out. I've learnt bulk this past year, i've learnt that no matter how bad you have it you should always be thankful because someone is always worse off, that no matter how hard you hit rock bottom the only other way is up and that it's okay to fall sometimes so you know where it is that you stand.

On another note I honestly can't wait for Ramadan this year. Not only does this blessed month allow for endless opportunities for rewards but it is the perfect time to get rid of bad habbits and make room for the good ones. I'm pretty sure a lot more in my life is about to change and things might not always be smooth sailing either, i don't know what is to come or what to expect for the future but i am sure as hell not afraid to jump in that rabbit hole and find out. Bismillah*

happychappy :)

woke up this morning looking like i slept with a hanger in my mouth xD i feel goood, really good. my teaching prac was the shiz and i am now more than ever, convinced that this is what i want to do. my life is currently drama free, it's like everything had to hit its climax to gravitate back to normality. nevermind that it took a while, because things are better than ever now. i needed to withdraw myself from certain things, to retreat and re-collect myself, my thoughts..which turns out was exactly what the doc ordered. besides that i have let go of a lot,..its funny looking back on those days knowing now exactly what i was headed towards and what was headed towards me. but it's all good because now, even if i end up finding myself in those situations again that i seem to be prone to, they wont be anything i can't handle, if all thats happened has taught me anything, it's that.

Hamza Alkhateeb (13yrs of age)

Your name escaped me earlier, but your face has been haunting me for the past two days. I feel a kinship towards you because of our common humanity. I hurt for the cruel injustice committed against you, but also against your family. I imagine that the absence of your brilliant radiant light is felt deeply in their lives and that the void they now feel as a result will never ever be filled. I empathize with them so much, although I can never know or fathom what it was like to lose you, their child, in the horrific way that they did.. Finding out about your story, my tears are ones of rage because the wounds, the physical pain inflicted upon your body should have never happened to you, you didn't deserve it to happen to you, your family didn't deserve to know what happened to you.. to see it like they did.. I hope that like me though they find comfort in knowing that your soul is safe now and that your body can no longer feel any pain. I hope you are put up amongst those in the highest levels of jannah and that your family will join you there inshAllah.

I wish strength and resilience for your family to continue living and fighting in your memory..and please know that there are so many more fighting and that you are being thought of and won't ever be forgotton. Inallilahi wa ina illayhi rajioon.

illuminate*

i have realized quite a bit over the last few weeks, and believe i am seeing things clearer than ever now, everything to me is appearing in a different light than they were previously, and let me just say, when shed light upon, i have come to recognize that some things aren't quite what i thought they were, let alone as great as i may have built them up to be. sure I'm a little disappointed, but i think this might actually be a good thing. there was always this question that to myself i could never give a straight answer, but i can now, easily with no hesitations. i will no longer put myself in the position to be an easy target for hurt or anger or even jealousy. i will no longer be that safety net I've so conveniently always been. i am all for being there for the people i care about but there are limits. i will not make excuses up for people or situations anymore. i want, need, deserve reliable, people i can count on, people i can trust, trust not to hurt me. 'what if' will no longer be a questionmark in my life but a fullstop. i was never able to find a way to get over this wall, i think that was the problem all along, i tried to get over it. what i really need to do, what i am going to do is break through it. and though there may be pieces to pick up afterwards I've realized i don't need anyone to do that for me, i will do it on my own, in my own time, but i will pick up every last piece.