illuminate*

i have realized quite a bit over the last few weeks, and believe i am seeing things clearer than ever now, everything to me is appearing in a different light than they were previously, and let me just say, when shed light upon, i have come to recognize that some things aren't quite what i thought they were, let alone as great as i may have built them up to be. sure I'm a little disappointed, but i think this might actually be a good thing. there was always this question that to myself i could never give a straight answer, but i can now, easily with no hesitations. i will no longer put myself in the position to be an easy target for hurt or anger or even jealousy. i will no longer be that safety net I've so conveniently always been. i am all for being there for the people i care about but there are limits. i will not make excuses up for people or situations anymore. i want, need, deserve reliable, people i can count on, people i can trust, trust not to hurt me. 'what if' will no longer be a questionmark in my life but a fullstop. i was never able to find a way to get over this wall, i think that was the problem all along, i tried to get over it. what i really need to do, what i am going to do is break through it. and though there may be pieces to pick up afterwards I've realized i don't need anyone to do that for me, i will do it on my own, in my own time, but i will pick up every last piece.

Checkmate.

here i am for the umpth time..confused again, in robot mode, again. what am i waiting for this time? there is nothing to wait for. i am waiting for n o t h i n g. i feel like ive invested so much in this, so much energy, so much everything. and im out, iam all out. i quit. i dont understand how i can possibly still be in this position, still be feeling.. its not the same but i am still feeling, and that is not good. this was suppose to be over long ago, i didnt want this anymore, or ever. i didnt want to hurt, but i am hurting, a hurt i am all too familiar with.. how i long for the old times.., now you give me no choice but to move forward. i kinda feel like im just floating around atm, knowing nothing but thinking everything. there are so many thoughts i want to let out but can't. i am going to be that person who will keep it hidden, because telling you has proven to hurt the both of us and i'd rather harbour the pain myself than have to share it and let it affect both of us. i am not doing that any more. especially starting next week. my mind is talking in circles and i am the only one that can hear it. and this is just the beginning, it's definitely not about to get any better. i feel like im playing a game of chess, i've made my first move and my opponent is already exclaiming 'Checkmate', then there it is, no way out. My King will fall.

Defeated. I hadn't a chance to begin with.