but things aren't ever black and white..

all i ever wanted to do was forget. but even when i thought i had, pieces had kept emerging, like bits of wood floating up to the surface that only hint at a shipwreck below. this isn't working, it never has, i dont know why i thought it would all of a sudden. i am only going in that same never ending circle i've been going in for the past well, almost a year now. i just feel as though there are so many unresolved issues, like that book was never really closed, or if it ever was, a bookmark had definately been placed somewhere so that we could always pick up from where we left off... sure i've gotten a little better at refraining from getting too attached to any certain idea, concept or person but it's not good enough. because nothing is ever that simple, everything must be complicated. why can't things be black and white once in a while, just plain&simple? i don't even know what it is that's happening at the moment, or what i'm feeling to be exact.. i don't know, i'm trying not to feel, because well that's never gotten me anywhere :S. however, the more i try not to feel and the more i try to make up excuses for what i am feeling, the more i can feel these supposed 'non-existent' feelings growing, festering, developing within me waiting for the time where i can't do anything but let it all out in one swift outburst. i don't like outbursts. but i can tell that is what is going to end up happening, i can already feel it building up inside, bubbling. just like a balloon with too much air in it, i might just end up popping. i'm so confused right now, i need help, i need someone to explain to me what's going on, to understand, to listen, to tell me what to do, because frankly at this present moment in time i have no blimin clue and am just going with the flow..taking the good when it comes and the bad the same way..that's all i can think to do at the moment. but i need to get things straightened out, i need the air to be cleared, the glass to be crystal..i need black and white.

i needs a HUG.

nothing prevents happiness like the memory of happiness.

i am grateful for so much at the moment, so why cant i bring myself to be genuinely happy, to move on and get on with my life, to leave these god forsaken memories behind and be happy? why cant these memories cease and leave me alone for one night, just one. its quite ironic that the memories which when i look back on identify as amazing, happy memories are keeping me from that very thing. happiness. am i building the past up too much? was it really that good? am i choosing not to bring to the surface any of the bad memories? surely there were bad ones?..its as if I'm looking at a night sky and only focusing on the stars. i need to get rid of this fantasy world I've so conveniently created in my mind based on those very memories..I'm not sure how though..i haven't been able to for so long..its felt like a forever and a lifetime and knowing my luck its probably not about to get any easier. however, maybe i can counter them with new memories? if i can make them?..i should certainly attempt to right?, this is becoming ridiculous, theres no use in trying to imagine what could have been..if only this and if only that..everything happens and happened for a reason, i need to let go of the past and grasp the future, wholeheartedly, once and for all. 2011 here i come..*